Apparently one does not just decide on a whim to make sugar cookies from scratch for the first time the night before Lil Diva’s 10th birthday. Royal icing…who’s brilliant idea was this? It is a royal pain in the butt is what it is! To be fair, I imagine after a few attempts I will get it right. Perhaps I should have tried it a few times prior to the day I actually needed them, but that really sounds too logically and therefore did not cross my mind. There are those awesome moms out in the world who are like magical baking fairies, whipping up these beautifully decorated cookies without breaking a sweat, or breaking a Kitchen Aid mixer, and without getting icing on every kitchen surface, and in one’s hair.  Let’s be clear….I am not that mom.

I can decorate cakes so I figured how hard could decorating sugar cookies be.?..Well let me tell you, it did not go as planned.

First, I didn’t make them gluten free. I’m the only one allergic to wheat, so I thought, meh..I’ll just follow the recipe without gluten free flour. This will prevent me from eating all the sugar cookies before they make it to Lil Diva’s class in the morning. I chose to make flowers. I was going to use Royal Icing and pipe the cookie edges, then make “flood icing” (I had to look that up by the way) and fill the cookie surface and add confetti sprinkles. In my head it was very pretty. Super impressive…..in my head.

I managed the cookie dough.  Pretty standard.  My flower cut outs were lovely.  I was feeling pretty confident.  After they cooled, I read up on Royal Icing.  FYI, it is not very tasty. Not like butter cream but I suppose it’s not suppose to be. I put in the icing sugar, the meringue powder, a little water and turned on my nice shiny red Kitchen Aid.  Do you know what happens when you have almost 4 cups of icing sugar in a bowl and you turn on the mixer?  Nothing good.  It flies out of the bowl and covers everything within a 2 foot range….I probably should have seen that coming.  Regardless, live and learn, remember we take life’s lemons and make lemonade (sometimes we add vodka, but I digress).   I placed a tea towel over the machine and restarted the mixing. Haha!!, problem solved.  The recipe said to leave this mixture mixing for 10 minutes on a lower setting until peaks form. I can do that!  I put it on setting 4, took my coffee and sat at my table, reading a magazine, waiting for 10 minutes to pass. Around the 8 minute mark, I heard a loud bang and then a rattling noise. Running the the kitchen I found that the mixing bowl had unlocked and was spinning around and around, banging the metal paddle and my icing had a large metal piece submerged into the mounts of white icing. I pulled it out, trying to figure out how this metal piece landed in the icing. Where did it come from? After reattaching the bowl, and rinsing off the metal piece, I discovered it was the front piece of the mixer that screws in. It’s a small round piece that says Kitchen Aid…I think it must do something..but I’m not sure what…I do know it is not part of the recipe..so there is that.

Apparently the Royal icing should be stiff and dries fast so pipe it quickly. I got my little piping piece (I don’t know what these things are called) and put it in the bottom of the bag where I had cut a hole for it to pop out of. Clearly I made the hole to big, and the piping piece when right through and landed in the cat food bowl on the floor. Would other parents be upset if I used the 5 second rule? I wasn’t sure, so I washed it with soap and water, got another piping bag and started over. I put the stiff icing into the piping bag and started the outline of my flower. Now, I’m the first to admit I may be out of shape but I’m am fairly certain icing should not need all my strength to be pushed thru a piping bag. How the heck am I suppose to pipe 30 flower outlines when I need the strength of freaking Hercules to get it out of the freaking piping bag (the piping bag is now freaking, because I am annoyed). Furthermore, the instructions read to not create a break in the piping boarder or the “flood icing” would flood right over the cookie. This is the point where I decided I’m not doing this anymore. I need a Plan B.

Plan B-  I will make flood icing and glaze the flower cookie and add confetti sprinkles. It will still be pretty right? So I follow the directions, add water and mix. I decided the use my basting brush to brush the flood icing on the cookies. ( Tip- check the basting brush has been properly cleaned by Elusive Teen before using. You are welcome). The first cookie was a lovely shade of pink, with a sprinkle of Montreal Steak Spice. Thankfully, I had 30 cookies, and I only need 26. We now have 29 cookies because nobody wants to eat a pink glazed sugar cookie with Montreal Steak Spice.  I rewashed the basting brush and restarted. The glaze didn’t look so bad until Lil Diva came down, inspected my pink flowers and said “why did you make pink snowflakes”?.  I said “they are flowers!”.  She said “mom, they looked like flowers, but now they look like snowflakes…but it’s ok because you made them and they are still pretty”.  You know what? They look like freaking snowflakes.  So I did what any good mom would do…threw confetti sprinkles on them and said “look I made you pink snowflakes for school tomorrow”.  I had hubby try a cookie to make sure they weren’t a total failure.  He said were “ok”.  What does that mean? Are they not good? Too sweet? Not sweet enough?  What does “ok” mean??  I need specifics. I got nothing.  So finally I asked “if you were 10 years old and someone gave you a pink snowflake with confetti in April, would you eat this”?  He said “yep”.  That’s it. Clearly he is a man of many words, none of which tells me if this cookie is good. Regardless, 26 kids will eat them tomorrow and hopefully won’t spit them out.  Undomestic housewife strikes again. In other news, I have to make a unicorn birthday cake tomorrow. I do not have high hopes, but I will try because I love my Lil Diva and because if it’s on Pinterest it must be easy right? LOL..I’ll just keep telling myself that.

Mom Fail:

 

p.s- I broke a small piece of an extra cookie to see if they were as tragic as they look…they aren’t bad. Also I now have a stomach ache because they weren’t gluten free. The sacrifices we make (eye roll)

p.p.s- I suck at grammar. Don’t judge me, or do, but then don’t tell me.
Its 10pm. I’m tired. There is icing in my hair.  I’m going to have wine now. It’s not drinking alone if I’m with the cat. I have 3 cats.  It’s practically a party. Cheers.

2 comments on “Undomestic Housewife strikes again, Sugar Cookie fail.”

  1. You’re too funny! Whenever I read about your escapades, I can hear your voice in my head saying: “I can’t make this up, people!”

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